Wow. My baby is one today.
The magnitude of this day is not lost on me or my husband. I have had such a gamut of emotions within the last 12 months.. But really the last 22. I learned about REAL anxiety and patience while allowing God to work in His timing to grow a child in my womb. This by far was the most intimate time I’ve ever shared with the Lord. At times I felt as though Rhyder was a tether from our Heavenly Father straight to me. I learned what it feels like to see your own heart outside your body. To watch in awe as your child takes their first breath and experience that instant that who you are and how you live your life is forever changed. Becoming the soul food source for another human is taxing to say the least, but the most selfless gift I have ever been blessed to give. The exhaustion is real, yet so is the overflow of love and infatuation. My husband likes to remind me of the first night we spent with Rhyder. As we sat on the bed cradling him in complete awe Parker gently told me to lay him down so I could sleep. I couldn’t even think of it- He came over to take him and I burst into tears of love, sadness, joy and exhaustion. As he comforted me I laid down and was asleep before he made it around the bed to lay Rhyder down. I would have held him there all night in pure bliss battling my body’s request for sleep. I learned about change- expected and utterly unexpected. We laughed, we cried, we loved and we grew. It was the peak of my selfishness yet the most selfless I have ever been. God shaped us and reached inside of our hearts to gently break them so we could trust and rely fully on Him- just like the Shepard and His sheep. We were forever changed for the better. Rhyder pushed us to our limits and then past them and often made us stretch our capabilities. We had never laughed so truly, loved so deeply or cried so desperately. I learned how to love my son and his daddy each in a new way. My soul and inner most being has been transformed- for the better. I learned that although blood never bothered me before, seeing my own child’s blood could drop me like a brick. We REprioritized our lives and put a bigger emphasis on God, Family and good friendships. I learned the importance of quiet, alone moments to recharge. I learned to love and respect my husband in new thankful ways. My perspective on MANY things were shattered, validated or changed. I judged others, was judged and learned we are ALL just trying our best. We were challenged in the best and worst ways. I became ‘Mama’ -the most amazing title I will ever have. I learned happiness in small things and disappointment in others. I struggled and wrestled with some awful demons and battled with the devil. Jesus held my hand and gave me comfort, protection and a joyful peace that transcends my understanding. We are externally grateful for that grace.
We are made new every morning and take comfort in that. Looking back on this beginning gives me relief and hope. Thank you Rhyder James Carroll for this amazing first year- you are fearfully and wonderfully made!